melodiouspacifist | Genessia IC Inbox

BANG BANG BANG

[ Shinjiro is not giving up, not once he's decided on this course of action.

... Fuck if he knows what he's going to do, but he's not giving up. ]

I know you're in there, Demyx.

Let me in.

I'm coming.

[He answers and opens the door, even though his hair is kind of mussed from lying on it, and his coat is completely open. He's not really considered 'presentable by the Superior's standards. Not surprisingly his pants and tank top are just as black as his coat.]

Hey.

[He looks away, unsure of what's really happening and then he sighs and bends down to get the coat's zipper.]

Uh. Hey.

[ Shinjiro takes a look at him, kind of surprised. He's not used to seeing Demyx in anything other than his usual, outside of the Halloween party anyway, so. This only adds to his worry.

He steps inside, notices what he's doing, and says - ]

You ain't gotta do that. 'S just me, if you wanna stay comfortable.

[That has little to do with much of anything, it's just when he's alone in his own space, he can dress down. He pauses and considers it.

Kay told him he needed to stop wearing his coat. He seems to be deliberating.]

...Okay.

[Even Arelen didn't get to see him without his coat. He pulled it off his shoulders and his gloves and tossed it into his room, his very bare room, onto the bed. It was plenty warm in the apartment, so he didn't need to worry about being under dressed.]

[ Shinjiro only peeks a little - but Demyx' room looks about as bare as his own is. Well. Almost - Shinjiro has bought a bunch of things for Princess so far, but otherwise.

Now why was that? It didn't make any sense that Demyx wouldn't have anything. Shinjiro was different. He can't shake the feeling that he can't ... thinking about things to just, do stupid shit like decorate is ...

He moves on from the thought.

Not looking at him, trying to give him his space, Shinjiro crosses his arms and frowns. ]

Now, do you wanna try that crap again, 'bout you not havin any likes or dislikes?

Edited 2017-12-04 16:47 (UTC)

[His room only has his sitar in it, only because he hadn't unsummoned it.

It's like if he vanished there would be no trace of him left behind.]

I can't have a preference, I don't feel things. I think we've got that down. I'm not like you.

[He wished he was, and at the moment, it hurts.]

Bullshit.

[ Shinjiro had been so, so worried that he had just made things worse earlier - that he had somehow messed up with Demyx, like he was always afraid he would.

But, now, he was determined to stand his ground and do his best to fix this. ]

We already figured out - you ain't all that different.

You've liked things, and you weren't fraid of tellin me so.

And, more importantly-

You dislike things, you were - you were uncomfortable with Arelen bein all drunk and hangin on you, remember?

So don't lie to me. Or yourself.

I'm not lying. I could be wrong about all that.

[He grimaces.]

I've been lying to myself.

[ Shakes his head. ]

I really don't think so.

I was there at the party - no idea how much you remember, but. You were way too drunk to fib about what you were thinkin.

[ Arms still crossed. ]

I think you're lyin now, sayin shit, like I would, like pretendin it don't matter means that people bein weird and friends actin hurt doesn't affect you at all.

[Wow, Shinjiro has the disapproving look down pat. He's used to being on the receiving end of that look, but under opposite circumstances.]

Shinjiro...I already told you I've been lying to myself and I'm sure I believed what I said.

[He looks away, uncomfortable and cringing. His brow is furrowed and he almost looks upset.]

I can't be affected. That's the point!

[Even in his tone, it's not light or even, he sounds frustrated.]

[ Shinjiro's eyes grow wide - because he's finally figuring out what's happening.

Maybe. Perhaps. Hopefully, it wasn't just wishful thinking.

(But is it wishful thinking, he asked himself, if his friend was suffering?) ]

... You're upset.

[His eyes snap to Shinjiro that if his head went with it, he'd have whiplash.]

No I'm not.

[ He resists the urge to roll his eyes. ]

Right.

Then why the hell does this bother you so much?

I mean, so what if we all fell for it, if you ain't really liking or disliking stuff?

So what if Arelen is reactin real strange?

If you're lyin to yourself, why does this bother you?

I don't...

[No it shouldn't be bothering him. Not even a little bit. Not at all, but he is distressed.]

It's not- [But he can't even say that, his arms are crossed, and his fingers are digging into the flesh near his elbows.]

I don't know! Okay? I don't know what is wrong with me!

... You don't like what's happenin right now, do you.

[ Because it's clear, to him, what's wrong.

He doesn't know why, or what triggered it, or if it had been happening slowly this entire time.

Regardless of how - Shinjiro felt pretty sure.

These were actual feelings.

He unfolded his arms, and hesitated. What. What would a friend who was actually good at this kind of thing do, right now? ]

[He shakes his head.]

No. I don't.

[He's tense, he's been having trouble breathing and processing and he wants to break things or scream or something. He honestly doesn't know what to do to make it stop.

It has to stop, it's not supposed to be there in the first place.]

[ If nothing else, Shinjiro notices the difficulty breathing, now, as Demyx grows more tense, more frustrated, more defensive.

He holds his hands up, now, and not really thinking about it, steps closer. ]

Hey. Demyx.

Breathe, all right? Just. You gotta breathe, you do need air, right?

[ His mind was beginning to race again, because, god damn it, Demyx probably needed about anybody else here besides him, someone who actually knew what they were doing.

Shinjiro just started saying things, whatever came into his head, trying to - make Demyx unclench and stop himself from hyperventilating. ]

You're upset. And it sucks. But it ain't gonna last forever, all right? You feel real shitty now, but you still gotta breathe.

[He's tempted to snap that he doesn't need to breathe either, but that would be stupid because he does. No matter how weird the magic was that regulates his body, he's always had to breathe.

He wants to break something, hit something, do some terrible damage because when he's ready to break that's usually the reason. That's what he's been conditioned to do.]

I'm breathing. [And he is at least, but he's also pacing because he doesn't know how to pull this out of the Organization.]

I just want to...break something. [He confesses.] I don't know why, this isn't like when I'm at my limit. It's something else. I don't like this at all. There's something here.

[He presses his hand to the middle of his chest.]

It hurts. [It shouldn't, he doesn't have a heart and his hand there only confirms it, there is no heartbeat pounding under his fingers.]

I wanna break stuff when I'm upset, too. Lashin out, hittin things, lettin it out that way - it's pretty much all I did, when I was younger.

[ Shinjiro admitted this, figured the only thing he could do was be honest, it was the only thing he could think of to do.

Lies might feel better, but they were never helpful in the long run.

Which is why he said - ]

... There's somethin there, ain't it?

[ Because Demyx didn't seem startled, but confused, he guessed: ]

Maybe not a heart, but ...

Something.

[He doesn't remember. He doesn't know what he used to do when he was upset, because it has been nearly ten years. He can't remember. He doesn't know what to do and that uncertainty isn't helping.]

I don't have a training room here. [He grits his teeth, Arelen is already not speaking to him so breaking her belongings wouldn't go over well, at all.]

No. I don't know. A hurt. It shouldn't hurt. I don't get it.

[ Well. This was at least something Shinjiro knew how to help with. ]

... Wanna go with me to Nova City?

They've got the Holodeck'd there, which is real good for trainin, beatin shit up without real property damage.

[ Hell, he'd let Demyx use him as a punching bag, even, if it'd help him. ]

Maybe it shouldn't, but it is.

And, we've gotta work with what we got.

If that means somethin's there now, growin, that ain't been there before ...

[ Shinjiro is the worst person for this job. But who else is offering? ]

... I'll try to help you figure it out.

[There's barely any hesitation because he thinks that if he works off whatever this stupid feeling situation is, he will feel better. It will stop. Everything will be normal.]

Yes.

[He goes down on one knee and starts lacing up his boots.]

I don't know. I don't know what's wrong. It feels like something is wrong. [Lacing his boots was giving his hands something to do. It's funny, he has the serious urge to move and work out his frustrations, but not play his sitar.]

[ Shinjiro patiently waits for him to get ready, puts his hands back in his pockets. Beating things up is something he could do.

The rest of it, he felt rather at sea.

Still - ]

If it helps.

I don't think there's anythin 'wrong'.

You'd ... hoped it could happen, right?

I...this isn't what I meant. I don't know what I meant!

[He practically flails. He finishes with his other boot and goes into his room.]

I don't like it. I thought it was supposed to be a good thing.

[He's pulling on his coat.]

It is.

[ Shinjiro sighed. Emotions weren't all happiness and sunshine and kittens. Emotions frequently sucked.

He almost wished that Demyx didn't have to find that out. ]

It's a good thing, but there are gonna be some shitty parts that go with it.

Which, really, is why I punch things sometimes still.

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